Grudges and Ruminations 

As I get closer to God, He shows me areas of my life that need to be surrendered, where I clench with fear, old resentments, bitterness, anger, pride, and envy. I am in a season where the Lord reveals to me the grudges nestled in my heart. My struggle with rumination is a significant hurdle. I often believe I've forgiven someone, only to find a trigger that sends me spiraling, replaying old grievances. This cycle of rehashing not only real but also imagined slights consumes me at times and to make it all worse I am painfully aware that these thoughts are not from God. 

Spiritual Warfare 

In quieter moments, these intrusive thoughts ambush me. When I become conscious that I am ruminating I start to pray, asking God to forgive me, and then I’ll distract myself with reading or online activities. This was my routine, until a recent epiphany shifted my perspective. After repeatedly seeking counsel through confession and prayer, I understood this wasn't just a personal battle but a profound spiritual warfare. The realization struck that my unresolved forgiveness allowed these assaults on my peace. 

Grateful to God for the insight, I sat in silence pondering deeply on the nature of true forgiveness. It is an act of the will. Not only does God call us to forgive over and over, but He also tells us to “get rid of all bitterness and rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.” -Ephesians 4:3  

This tells me that there is something I can do, something that I have to do to get rid of what blocks true forgiveness. Yes, give it to the Lord but I believe He wants us to wrestle with it, like Jacob. I resolved to continue with prayer and confession when the issue came up again and to start journaling about it when I found myself ruminating, and over that past few months I have come up with a journaling process that really helps me move forward.  

I will do my best to describe the process and the reasoning behind each step, though bear with me for I am working through it. Also, I have to state here that I am not a psychologist, theologian, or spiritual advisor. I am simply a devout, single, Catholic woman doing my best to walk with the Lord. I’ve been around long enough to know that we all share similar struggles and sometimes reading about another’s story and process can help us in our lives. I hope my story and this process can help you if you try it out or, at least, give you some inspiration and insight to help you on your walk with the Lord.   

The WRRITERS Method:  For this process I just use a cheap black marble composition book. You will also need a pen, collage materials such as magazines, old church bulletins, brown paper bags, pretty paper, glue stick, scissors, stickers paint, and or gesso (read E for more details). Use what you have handy.  

Write it out. When you are in the heat of rumination, write it all out, your thoughts, feelings, what you wish you could do, what you wish the other person did, everything. If you want to slap the other person in the face, write it. Don’t worry about grammar, neatness, or even if it makes any sense. Hold nothing back. We really want to get it all out. 

Read it when you’re done. What spirits are there, bitterness, envy, unforgiveness, revenge, fear, pride?  

Renounce them. Speak out loud for each spirit or vice saying “In the name of Jesus, I renounce the spirit of revenge, I bind it and lay it at the foot of His holy cross to be judged as He wills” You can also invoke the Blessed Mother to help you or your Guardian Angel. 

Intercede for yourself and for the other person, asking the Lord for healing and to cover both of you with His Precious Blood. Pray for the opposite of what you renounced. If you can see that Pride is keeping you from forgiveness, ask the Lord for humility. Ask for His Forgiveness and for intersession, for both of you or whoever was involved, from the Blessed Mother and your Saints.  

Thank God for any insight and healing, even if you don’t perceive anything yet, thank him ahead of time for the resolution and forgiveness He offers. 

Erase the writing. Let this ease your mind while you are writing that no one else will read it. We are not doing shadow work here (a new age practice to be avoided) We are not trying to embrace our dark or shadow side to be integrated. We don’t even need to figure out why these spirits are lingering. This process gives us a safe space to vent without sinning, shines light on vices or spirits haunting us so that we can give it to the Lord and allow him to do the work in our souls. This journal method is a prayer. I am a mixed media artist, so I create a collage right over what I have written. If this is not up your ally, you can cover it with a blank piece of paper, your old church bulletins, or paint over it with gesso or paint. I highly recommend doing college possible. Use whatever you have. Then you end up with a cool art book that you can save. Don’t rip it up because you want to use the opposite page for the next step. 

Here are a couple of examples from my journal  

Reframe. Ask the Lord to help you see the situation as He sees it. What have you learned? How can you grow in love? What resolutions are out on your heart. Take some time writing this on the opposite page of your collage. This step is inspired by the story of the return of the unclean spirit in Matthew 12 43-45. We must now fill our minds with Christ and His teachings. You can also use this time and space to record inspiring bible verses or saint quotes that pertain to your situation. 

Silence. Give your self some time to sit in silence and reflect upon Gods Mercy and Love and to listen for His still small voice.   

Give yourself some time to do this process. Ideally you do it in the heat of the moment. If your find yourself ruminating and are unable to journal for whatever reason just start praying and renouncing in the name of Jesus, Thank God and try to reframe it. You can do the journaling later, if necessary, when you have time. This is not meant to be a daily practice unless your struggle is daily. If you have any questions you can comment below.  I would love to hear from you if give a go!