Forgiveness is the way our relationship with God begins.
A Personal Testimony
I am going to tell you a personal story about the power of forgiveness, and I need to start with a little personal history to give you some context. In this special time of Lent, it is my hope that this story inspires you to reflect on forgiveness and discern if there is any need for it in your life.
It is not always easy to forgive so after I share my story, I am going to give some practical steps to take to truly forgive someone. OK, with that being said, here is my story.
Childhood Trauma
I had a difficult childhood. My father died when I was 12 and my mother turned to drugs and alcohol. My house growing up was a party house, always loud with music and screaming adults.
At some point my mom brought home her new boyfriend who was married so there was always drama with his wife. The cops new us all by name and would drive by regularly to see if we, my brother(a diagnosed paranoid schitzphrenic) and I were ok.
Despite the chaos at home, I had many other family members who helped and looked out for us. We often ended up at our Grandmom’s house for days and weeks at times.
Young and Rebellious
I went to Catholic school for 12 years, but my family wasn’t really serious about it and as soon as I graduated and went to college my life as a Catholic ended. I never really understood Catholicism, it never really clicked and quite frankly, I wanted to do whatever I wanted.
College life was a party life and I dropped out in my third year. I was longing for something that I could not name so I moved to the city, got a waitressing job and started my life of sex, drugs, and electronic dance music. That wasn’t it, so when I was 22, I moved to San Francisco and there discovered all things New Age: Yoga, meditation, Reiki, Acupuncture, Tarot Cards, and psychedelic drugs.
In Search of God
Outside of working at a restaurant, I spent my time taking classes and immersing myself in a healing journey. I wanted to find God, the real God. I did believe in God but was Jesus really God? As I sit here now writing this, I chuckle, little did I know then what I know now but that’s life isn’t it.
It was so easy for me to get caught up in the New Age, which is, ultimately, an evil angel disguised in light but I’m not here to talk about that. It gave me a “freedom” that the Church could never give and at that point in my life, it was a blessing. Yoga and meditation really helped me calm down and the psychedelic drugs seemingly gave me a sense of love and connection with others (though false but I wouldn’t realize that for many years). Through these practices I was able to find meaning in life and feel safe in my environment.
I got so deep into it, eventually I became a yoga teacher, and completely cut myself off from my family and friends from my hometown, Philadelphia. I literally never called them, nor did they reach out to me. I had a few email exchanges with my mom but as far as I was concerned, I was never going back. I was so angry with her for what she did. I was truly hurt and resentful. As far as my brother was concerned, I was at a loss and filled with grief and despair about his lot in life and not knowing how to or having the capacity to help him.
Touched by Forgiveness
After 5 years in SF, I moved to Maui, HI. I was there about a year and got a new job at a bed and breakfast. It was a beautiful place on a couple of acres of property on the jungle side of the island. It was lush and green, filled with exotic flowers; Gingers, Heliconias, Birds of Paradise, Hibiscus, Plumeria, Orchids, Ti Leaves, Anthuriums, Gardenias and more. There were banana, orange, coconut, avocado, starfruit and lemon trees, pineapple and sweet potatoes in the ground and passion fruit vines everywhere. It rained for part of the day almost every day so seeing a rainbow daily was common, but I never took it for granted. The pure beauty of it all made me hop out of bed every day, excited for what was to come. It was a live in position.
My job was to take care of the fruit and flowers, harvest them and make beautiful flower arrangements for the main lobby and the guest rooms and prepare the breakfast using the fresh fruit along with bagels, muffins and coffee. I was there a few months and the owner of the BnB had to go to the mainland (the U.S.) for a funeral. She asked me to fill in by making reservations, answering the phones and checking people in and I was happy to help.
One day I was sitting in the office, and I got lost in daydreaming. I was thinking about my mom and her life and the crazy things she did and comparing it with my life all the crazy things I did. It dawned on me how much I was like her and instead of feeling ashamed, I felt compassion, and, in that moment, I really understood her. I was overcome with love for her and in my heart, I forgave her, like really forgave her and my whole body tingled, and tears started to flow. I sat in silence for awhile and Jesus came to mind, and I knew somehow, He was with me. I took out some pen and paper and wrote my mom a long letter expressing my forgiveness and asking her to forgive me for judging her. I mailed it off and never heard back from her, but it didn’t matter, I had this newfound freedom within me, and my heart was full of gratitude.
Reunited with Mom
Years later when my grandmom died, I went home for the funeral. I went and stayed with my mom for a few days, and she told me that she got the letter when she was in the hospital, my aunt brought it to her. A few months before that, her boyfriend had overdosed on heroin and died. She was extremely depressed and overdosed herself with pills. Thankfully she did not die. She told me that when she read the letter she cried and that it gave her the will to live. She has been completely sober ever since, which is 22 years now!
I often wonder, what if I did not write that letter? Would my mom have lived? I did not find my way back into the church for many years and crazy experiences after that, but it did impress on me that Jesus was real. I knew it was Him nudging me and because I said yes, I will forgive my mom, it gave her hope to live and the way for me back to Him was illuminated, to God, the real God.
Forgiveness is the way our relationship with God begins and it is the way we should live with other as well. If you made it this far, thank you for reading my story.
As promised, here are 8 tips if you are struggling with unforgiveness.
1. Place yourself in the presence of God, give thanks and praises, then ask him for the grace to forgive. Ask Him to heal you. Write or talk out the story, your feelings, what happened, why you think it happened and the give it God. Ask him for a word of knowledge and insight into your situation.
2. Reframe the story. How is this the best thing that ever happened to you? What is God trying to reveal to you. Pray on it.
3. Place yourself in the other person’s shoes. Be humble. We are all God’s Children, from His compassionate perspective, why would that person do what he or she did.
4. Write down what you have been forgiven for.
5. Write that person a forgiveness letter (you don’t have to send it; it depends on the relationship with the other person.
6. Go to confession as much as you have to; there really are special graces offered by God in this Sacrament.
7. Go to Adoration and sit silently in His presence often asking Him to heal you and give you strength.
8. Research, read, and contemplate all the verses and stories in the Bible related to forgiveness. The Word of God will renew your mind like the story and Joseph his brothers in Genesis 50:15-20 Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is an act of will and the beginning of a lifelong journey.
Matthew 18:21-22: "Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, 'Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?' Jesus answered, 'I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven times.'"
Matthew 6:14-15 “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins."
Ephesians 4:31-32 “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."
Colossians 3:13 “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you."
Luke 17:3-4 "So watch yourselves. If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them."